Because you need to.

This is for Oxie, whether she wants it or not.

syntax
by Maureen N. McLane
and if I were to say I love you and I do love you and I say it now and again and again would you say parataxis would you see the world revolves anew its axis you

I Would Say

by Jillian Gogel

Well, I would say,

and I would say it loud,

I would be proud,

I would say that there's no hurry,

and really no need to worry.

I'd say we should rest

because that'd be best,

And I'd want you to know

that I'm not gonna go;

(is that a curse or blessing?

I hope not a wound that needs dressing.)

But always I would pray

that maybe soon someday

we would sit and discuss

that which we must.

Is it not a shame

for either one to take the blame,

that we must play this game,

or if we lose our aim?

I'd know life would be fine

with someone so divine,

And I'd hope to prove it true

that we would make it through.

I would say to you,

darling, you're stuck to me like glue.

"I'm here with my confession

Got nothing to hide no more

I don't know where to start

But to show you the shape of my heart"

- Backstreet Boys, Shape of My Heart

A brand new year.

Well, me oh my, it certainly has been a while.

Once I settle back into things, I shall organize my thoughts a bit better on this thing.
But for now, I really wanted to share some little quip I wrote. I thought about it, and I realized I really did learn this and that it really is an important thing to keep with you as you move through life's obstacles. So, here.

"I learned that all the good things in life, and everything that makes it worth living, are hard to come by. Sometimes, the hardest part of that journey is allowing yourself to appreciate what already surrounds you and trusting that nature will take its course. This year, after learning by example from the past, I hope to take that leap and allow myself to live in the flow of the world, trusting that my greatest desire, love, will find me when the time is right."

I think that just about sums things up.
Have a wonderful evening :D

Just one more thing.

So I was suddenly struck by a little muse at like, 1am. I decided to take it anyways, I rarely get those nowadays.

I feel like this is kinda the epitome of my life right now. I need to say goodbye to some people of various scenarios and this unexpectedly ties them all in together.
Who knows? Maybe there is indeed something to learn here.

I'm pretty happy though. With this piece, I have 99% moved out of my angst phase (for now). Haha. I think anything written on the back of some monstrous wave of confusion and frustration turns out petty and painful to read (at least in my own experience), so I'm happy I could squeak out something without feeling overwhelmed :D

Anyhoo, enough rambling, I'll let you see that jank.

A Challenge to The Mistress of Our Reality

Why do you know

what you may have lost,

what you have lost,

when you lose it?

Will we ever decide the fates

with which our Lady Destiny so carelessly plays?

We are pawns,

it is remarkable to think it,

but our successes and choices

never were ours to begin with.

Looking back on the times,

sunny, delicious days

when our hair was down and

we ran

through fields of daisies

and marigolds,

it is known she sat back for a while.

Oh, how those days are missed,

we were so carefree, most importantly.

You trusted me.

I lived to care and

often

mighty rocks stood strong

waiting for

the collapse of angels.

And elbows linked,

conversation flowed

(our words created the sweetest streams),

and we gazed upon

curled intricacies.

It was a time of innocence,

and weakness.

But there too was growth. Our souls

grew

like vines entwined,

together.

What sees in us the dark Lady now?

Lie silent.

That answer belongs to you.

But know this:

no matter how we grow,

what we choose,

who we become,

always hold near the being

that remained true from the beginning,

for no one will ever forget you.

Let me know what you think (even if I am saying that to an empty audience). A real crowd or no, I do enjoy addressing someone out in the world, it makes things lively on my end :D haha, but yes.

A poem. Woohoo! 

Have a lovely night :) 

Mid-summer Haze.

Wow, it certainly has been a while, hasn't it?
So much has changed, like, everywhere. I hardly know how to use blogger anymore, new format and such.
So much has changed in my life too, that's for sure.

In a nutshell:
I have improved drastically in my job. I have a drop of hope now.
I graduated from high school.
I lost some of my roots here.
I gained other wonderful people.
I redefined who I am and will be and how others will perceive me from now on.
I almost got the Fab 4 back together in one piece, but someone decided to be busy >:(
I've nearly shaken off leftover emotions and will soon be free.
My music career has taken a startling and unexpected turn, whether for the worse or better, I do not know.
I got a 1 on an AP exam and am remaining unexpectedly calm about it.
I have gotten all my college things nearly settled.
I am ready for the future.

Yeah, it's been so surreal, but I'm definitely a fan of this new life. I realized I surely do miss writing. Did you know I actually haven't written any actual poems or anything since nearly May? It's bad. I need to keep myself in shape.

Which brings me to. I found this, the last thing I wrote, in my bookbag the other day when I was cleaning out. I'm not entirely a fan of the structure and style, but I do believe there is a grain or two of truth in there. Sometimes I just enjoy getting lost in those rabbit holes and thinking about these things. Ha. With that being said, here it is.


Everybody Has A Niche

When we come down to earth

as memories

fresh in our parent's eyes,

already we are placed at a disadvantage.

Only infants,

we have been forced to join the world's eternal

struggle: an everlasting search for joy.

It is a blessing,

yes, to live and to experience

and it is a joy to the hardworking fathers

and mothers to look upon their smiling cherubim;

but, is it not also hard, the uncertainty

of the future bearing down, to fight

past and live, simply

live?

That's essentially what it boils

down to,

living.

Has there even been a higher purpose, truly,

for our lives on this planet? Even for

the scientists, doctors,

human rights activists, they live and work

so that others might live and work someday.

Someday. In the future. And

the cycle continues. We have been gifted,

and cursed, with a chance to live on this

Earth and experience as much of it as we can.

And with that comes the

responsibility to find happiness

at all costs. Which leads me

to wonder, how? Therefore,

everybody has a niche.

Joy, true joy, I believe, takes

over like the pilot of your plane. The

thing happens in its own special way, but

once you're in, you're glued to

the moment, which, by the way, will

never let you go. Done,

you've tasted it and you'll come back for more.

The tricky thing to realize is that,

although helpful to some degree, working

for and wanting will only get you

so far; the rest

comes on its own time. 

Well, I do believe that is it for me today. I'm definitely going to do better about updating this thing, even if no one reads it, because it gives me something to do and I enjoy marking my life a bit like this :) 

So.

Peace out, home dawg bean ball burgers.

Employee of the Month

I have got to do better. So little words. But, there is so much going on. Tis true.

Well, finally. Spring Break cameeee. And I am smack in the middle of it, enjoying doing nothing :) So much bliss.  I needed the break fo sho.

I also got my wisdom teeth out on Friday O.o It's been crazy beans since then cause my weekend has been pills, pills, applesauce, and more medication. And sitting. haha. And not eating lots of things. It was long, to say the least. BUT I'M DONE.

I AM ALSO A PROUD EMPLOYED MEMBER OF THE WORKFORCE :) I had a job interview today that went well. There's this lovely little place called The Summit and it's so nice because it's a senior retirement facility :) I get to work in the kitchen if all goes well. Woo.

And other than that, I just need to get through this really really stupid gov paper and AP exams. I seriously no know what the teacher wants because she says in many different places on the sheet "critique," "analysis," "themes," and other such words. It...doesn't make sense with all the rest of the words in place either. And, we have to turn in a rough and final draft that we have visibly corrected...which is dumb. It just is. I don't want it.

AP exams. Well, I just need to have enthusiasm to sit through them. haha. And then doneeeee :) Lord, let me survive my life. haha.

I'm tired. But so far, it's been decent today. Registered for Freshmen Orientation...like twice. Got part of that paper done. Sorta. Got a job, okay :)

So I'm gonna let my dog sit on my lap now.
Toodles :)

Resurrection

My life was completely changed this weekend. For absolutely reals.

So I don't know if I mentioned it,
but Indy.
And I went.
This weekend.

Not too many times do you get to be the famous people and just generally catered to. We stayed at the JW Marriot. 5 stars, baby. But you know why?
Because we were actually worth something to have earned a spot there.

We earned our tickets to the Jazz Band of America and Honor Band of America concerts. We earned the fluffy, clean beds and the little complementary 5 star bathrobes. We earned the 16th floor and we earned all the way up to the high rise.

I love it, because we made that happen. I did too.
It didn't entirely hit me while I was there, because it just seemed so natural and so wonderful.
But it was a lot.

And my favorite part?
The reflection of my personal growth through all of this.

Band has made me into the person I am today. I know all musicians can say that. And I have become a stronger, more confident woman because of that english horn and oboe and the band mates who keep changing around me, and most of all, the wonderful director who has never left.

I wish I had not given up that 4th year, that was foolish. But during my three years in the JF Wind Symphony, I have accomplished so much and every year has outdone the great adventure of the previous year. I feel enlightened and this year, I realize I finally see it, I finally get what this has always been about. If only it had come sooner, but I have used the full extent of my knowledge and understanding this year regardless.

It's about the color that you make every time you pick up your instrument and it's because you're supposed to float down the invisible swirls that jump from the music. It's about expression and how that ultimately is the most important thing. When I play, I'm actually free and I'm actually floating and when I play, I can close my eyes and feel an extension of my body reach out and touch the world. I become the person of my dreams and I am so powerful because nobody can touch what I'm doing as I push the buttons.

It's cheesy to say, but you can't believe me until you know. And you should know that it's true.

And the most important thing, the most important thing is the family we create every year. Peter Boonshaft, our post performance clinician, talked about this to us and man, was he right. We give so much of ourselves without even knowing it and we all support each other. We may have endless streams of differences, but for those 58 minutes, or during performances, we have to put those aside and become the team we are. Like super heroes. Only much more musical and there are 93 of us.
I don't know. Except, I know I will miss this year's family more than I can say. Definitely those oboes. Man, this year has felt more like a sisterhood than ever before and we really were there for each other. It's what you do, because you are kindhearted to fellow bandies. I think our ties are so strong because we're all present for each other's deepest vulnerability. You're a different person when you play, you change.

But I'll stop, because all these things are running together in my head and I lost my touch with the last bit...ha.

Anyways, the trip was extraordinary and I feel so blessed to have gone on it.
Also shout out to the awesome people I met, Josh and Blake. Cool individuals, yessirybob.

It's thundering. And lightening right now. I love the rain.

Peace and happiness on earth :)

Oh, you silly little cookie monster.

To be honest, I saw Olivia Planas today. My day has been made. I am a happy little lark ball. She ate a cookie. Bless her soul <3

But really.

Also, visiting the Mason Honor's College was nice. Haha. Really nice. I appreciate the small classroom sizes and Living Learning Communities. And specialization. And college in general. I also am flattered when I get scholarships.

So many tough decisions.
Oh please, I need help...

This has been such a marvelous weekend <3 :)