Just one more thing.

So I was suddenly struck by a little muse at like, 1am. I decided to take it anyways, I rarely get those nowadays.

I feel like this is kinda the epitome of my life right now. I need to say goodbye to some people of various scenarios and this unexpectedly ties them all in together.
Who knows? Maybe there is indeed something to learn here.

I'm pretty happy though. With this piece, I have 99% moved out of my angst phase (for now). Haha. I think anything written on the back of some monstrous wave of confusion and frustration turns out petty and painful to read (at least in my own experience), so I'm happy I could squeak out something without feeling overwhelmed :D

Anyhoo, enough rambling, I'll let you see that jank.

A Challenge to The Mistress of Our Reality

Why do you know

what you may have lost,

what you have lost,

when you lose it?

Will we ever decide the fates

with which our Lady Destiny so carelessly plays?

We are pawns,

it is remarkable to think it,

but our successes and choices

never were ours to begin with.

Looking back on the times,

sunny, delicious days

when our hair was down and

we ran

through fields of daisies

and marigolds,

it is known she sat back for a while.

Oh, how those days are missed,

we were so carefree, most importantly.

You trusted me.

I lived to care and

often

mighty rocks stood strong

waiting for

the collapse of angels.

And elbows linked,

conversation flowed

(our words created the sweetest streams),

and we gazed upon

curled intricacies.

It was a time of innocence,

and weakness.

But there too was growth. Our souls

grew

like vines entwined,

together.

What sees in us the dark Lady now?

Lie silent.

That answer belongs to you.

But know this:

no matter how we grow,

what we choose,

who we become,

always hold near the being

that remained true from the beginning,

for no one will ever forget you.

Let me know what you think (even if I am saying that to an empty audience). A real crowd or no, I do enjoy addressing someone out in the world, it makes things lively on my end :D haha, but yes.

A poem. Woohoo! 

Have a lovely night :) 

Mid-summer Haze.

Wow, it certainly has been a while, hasn't it?
So much has changed, like, everywhere. I hardly know how to use blogger anymore, new format and such.
So much has changed in my life too, that's for sure.

In a nutshell:
I have improved drastically in my job. I have a drop of hope now.
I graduated from high school.
I lost some of my roots here.
I gained other wonderful people.
I redefined who I am and will be and how others will perceive me from now on.
I almost got the Fab 4 back together in one piece, but someone decided to be busy >:(
I've nearly shaken off leftover emotions and will soon be free.
My music career has taken a startling and unexpected turn, whether for the worse or better, I do not know.
I got a 1 on an AP exam and am remaining unexpectedly calm about it.
I have gotten all my college things nearly settled.
I am ready for the future.

Yeah, it's been so surreal, but I'm definitely a fan of this new life. I realized I surely do miss writing. Did you know I actually haven't written any actual poems or anything since nearly May? It's bad. I need to keep myself in shape.

Which brings me to. I found this, the last thing I wrote, in my bookbag the other day when I was cleaning out. I'm not entirely a fan of the structure and style, but I do believe there is a grain or two of truth in there. Sometimes I just enjoy getting lost in those rabbit holes and thinking about these things. Ha. With that being said, here it is.


Everybody Has A Niche

When we come down to earth

as memories

fresh in our parent's eyes,

already we are placed at a disadvantage.

Only infants,

we have been forced to join the world's eternal

struggle: an everlasting search for joy.

It is a blessing,

yes, to live and to experience

and it is a joy to the hardworking fathers

and mothers to look upon their smiling cherubim;

but, is it not also hard, the uncertainty

of the future bearing down, to fight

past and live, simply

live?

That's essentially what it boils

down to,

living.

Has there even been a higher purpose, truly,

for our lives on this planet? Even for

the scientists, doctors,

human rights activists, they live and work

so that others might live and work someday.

Someday. In the future. And

the cycle continues. We have been gifted,

and cursed, with a chance to live on this

Earth and experience as much of it as we can.

And with that comes the

responsibility to find happiness

at all costs. Which leads me

to wonder, how? Therefore,

everybody has a niche.

Joy, true joy, I believe, takes

over like the pilot of your plane. The

thing happens in its own special way, but

once you're in, you're glued to

the moment, which, by the way, will

never let you go. Done,

you've tasted it and you'll come back for more.

The tricky thing to realize is that,

although helpful to some degree, working

for and wanting will only get you

so far; the rest

comes on its own time. 

Well, I do believe that is it for me today. I'm definitely going to do better about updating this thing, even if no one reads it, because it gives me something to do and I enjoy marking my life a bit like this :) 

So.

Peace out, home dawg bean ball burgers.

Employee of the Month

I have got to do better. So little words. But, there is so much going on. Tis true.

Well, finally. Spring Break cameeee. And I am smack in the middle of it, enjoying doing nothing :) So much bliss.  I needed the break fo sho.

I also got my wisdom teeth out on Friday O.o It's been crazy beans since then cause my weekend has been pills, pills, applesauce, and more medication. And sitting. haha. And not eating lots of things. It was long, to say the least. BUT I'M DONE.

I AM ALSO A PROUD EMPLOYED MEMBER OF THE WORKFORCE :) I had a job interview today that went well. There's this lovely little place called The Summit and it's so nice because it's a senior retirement facility :) I get to work in the kitchen if all goes well. Woo.

And other than that, I just need to get through this really really stupid gov paper and AP exams. I seriously no know what the teacher wants because she says in many different places on the sheet "critique," "analysis," "themes," and other such words. It...doesn't make sense with all the rest of the words in place either. And, we have to turn in a rough and final draft that we have visibly corrected...which is dumb. It just is. I don't want it.

AP exams. Well, I just need to have enthusiasm to sit through them. haha. And then doneeeee :) Lord, let me survive my life. haha.

I'm tired. But so far, it's been decent today. Registered for Freshmen Orientation...like twice. Got part of that paper done. Sorta. Got a job, okay :)

So I'm gonna let my dog sit on my lap now.
Toodles :)

Resurrection

My life was completely changed this weekend. For absolutely reals.

So I don't know if I mentioned it,
but Indy.
And I went.
This weekend.

Not too many times do you get to be the famous people and just generally catered to. We stayed at the JW Marriot. 5 stars, baby. But you know why?
Because we were actually worth something to have earned a spot there.

We earned our tickets to the Jazz Band of America and Honor Band of America concerts. We earned the fluffy, clean beds and the little complementary 5 star bathrobes. We earned the 16th floor and we earned all the way up to the high rise.

I love it, because we made that happen. I did too.
It didn't entirely hit me while I was there, because it just seemed so natural and so wonderful.
But it was a lot.

And my favorite part?
The reflection of my personal growth through all of this.

Band has made me into the person I am today. I know all musicians can say that. And I have become a stronger, more confident woman because of that english horn and oboe and the band mates who keep changing around me, and most of all, the wonderful director who has never left.

I wish I had not given up that 4th year, that was foolish. But during my three years in the JF Wind Symphony, I have accomplished so much and every year has outdone the great adventure of the previous year. I feel enlightened and this year, I realize I finally see it, I finally get what this has always been about. If only it had come sooner, but I have used the full extent of my knowledge and understanding this year regardless.

It's about the color that you make every time you pick up your instrument and it's because you're supposed to float down the invisible swirls that jump from the music. It's about expression and how that ultimately is the most important thing. When I play, I'm actually free and I'm actually floating and when I play, I can close my eyes and feel an extension of my body reach out and touch the world. I become the person of my dreams and I am so powerful because nobody can touch what I'm doing as I push the buttons.

It's cheesy to say, but you can't believe me until you know. And you should know that it's true.

And the most important thing, the most important thing is the family we create every year. Peter Boonshaft, our post performance clinician, talked about this to us and man, was he right. We give so much of ourselves without even knowing it and we all support each other. We may have endless streams of differences, but for those 58 minutes, or during performances, we have to put those aside and become the team we are. Like super heroes. Only much more musical and there are 93 of us.
I don't know. Except, I know I will miss this year's family more than I can say. Definitely those oboes. Man, this year has felt more like a sisterhood than ever before and we really were there for each other. It's what you do, because you are kindhearted to fellow bandies. I think our ties are so strong because we're all present for each other's deepest vulnerability. You're a different person when you play, you change.

But I'll stop, because all these things are running together in my head and I lost my touch with the last bit...ha.

Anyways, the trip was extraordinary and I feel so blessed to have gone on it.
Also shout out to the awesome people I met, Josh and Blake. Cool individuals, yessirybob.

It's thundering. And lightening right now. I love the rain.

Peace and happiness on earth :)

Oh, you silly little cookie monster.

To be honest, I saw Olivia Planas today. My day has been made. I am a happy little lark ball. She ate a cookie. Bless her soul <3

But really.

Also, visiting the Mason Honor's College was nice. Haha. Really nice. I appreciate the small classroom sizes and Living Learning Communities. And specialization. And college in general. I also am flattered when I get scholarships.

So many tough decisions.
Oh please, I need help...

This has been such a marvelous weekend <3 :)

I lied, one more.

One more poem. I just wrote it and thought it necessary to catalog this. Nothing else need be said.

Fleeting Expirations

The whispering

echoes of freshly dried

memories crushed

as easily as petals by

the stages of expectation,

sail windlessly forever

raised, rampant, ruined

the cigarette butts extinguished and

the car speeds away as

the typhoon overcomes the

fragile city whose broken glass

glistens with pale evil

reminders of fame and fortune

wrung out and dried like a

sponge and too many holes

so deep and cold

our armies huddle with

tattered blankets

waiting for the miracle that never came

and also the masterminds that

let their cunning catch up,

plated sparrows caged

in fairy tale prisons

easily avoidable,

easily invisible

with the cookie cutter rejects

and smiling faces of humanity

most of all

the greatest desires of the soul.

A vision

It's just so easy to stick a poem or two up here and call it a day. I look forward to poem posts. haha.
But today I have two poems. One, by an anonymous alum of JF, as she prefers to be known, and a really really excellent piece. Needs to be put out there and I couldn't help but do so myself privately. I claim no credit for her work, however, let us also make that clear. The second, something I wrote based off the first poem actually. Which is why I put both up here synonymously, just for compar-sies. You might be able to tell that at least the design of mine mirrors the other. But yes. Here they be.

"Platinum Stasis" by Anonymous Alum

the illusion of
dark, dismal, dull
is really rather pleasant in
the soft wash
of midnight rain
with the cool wind blowing
across the wide open plains
and the soft touch of silk with
monochromatic paintings
dancing across star-struck eyes as
members of the army
march down to war
against the whole world packed
folded and stuck
into a tiny little box then
pushed away into the
dark, dismal, dull
absorbed radiation
pulsing through cardiac veins
with the captain of the arterial seas
cultivating the growth of
things long gone and
things long forgotten
with the old norse myths
dusty in their wicker-basket corners
sitting with the rest of the world
cloaked in shades of gray


Just lovely. There is still so much I can't figure out and I have yet to discover the secret to this ability. I'm rather ashamed to put mine up after that. But here, is mine.

Cherry Glaze

The confidence that
comes with the
beat of a faraway drum
sings to us all in the
sweet dredges
of a crystal
morning or a
tangerine afternoon as
we skip down a sidewalk
licking our melting sugar cone
in the hot summer sun
and passing cars
with LED radios sound the
harmonies of our soulful
existence,
a call to raise our
head and glasses
for the victory we
achieve as our bodies pulse
swirl, turn,
the melodies of a foot tapping
memory only beginning and
the past of rumbling greys,
cubic figures, our
square lives a distant lingering,
an ancient geometric time,
now give way to the rush
of vibrants and citrus
molded by
the hands of children

See what I did there? Eh, pretty scattered and I still have captured that...extra something. You can tell it's lacking spirit. But, there it is and there I am.
And I'm out.

Ever Forward we shall flow, Sempre Avanti.

This weekend has just introduced me to a whole new kind of magic.
It was the weekend for All-Districts, which I finallllly made this year, and how sad I am to see what I've been missing these past few years.
I don't know what it was, but something about these slightly-more-than-24 hours showed me how I really should play oboe, how I should perform as a musician, how I should act as a person and achiever, and how to overcome my many adversities in this department to just enjoy the ride. You know what? I am hear to tell you that it REALLY is like a ride, like a roller coaster. Many people play, but not many do it right. I have never done it right. And I might have begun to see that this weekend.
I got a taste of "right," and all it takes is the simple but powerful courage to see past your mistakes and just do what you are told. Don't cut corners and don't be lazy, just play the music. And don't be afraid. Granted, the environment allowed a bit of room for error, but I think human correction and embarrassment gets in the way of art.

I absolutely loved the feeling, today especially at our culminating concert, of being completely immersed in the music. For perhaps the first time ever. Sure, I've certainly been able to get into the music and cry and be happ or excited about it, but everything is blurry from when we were onstage, I don't remember much except for the blur and swirl of melodies and color. We made many mistakes, but they didn't bother me, or maybe it was just because it was All-Districts. I was simply, happy. And free for a moment. I was independent and I could relax because I knew everyone else was just as capable.

I knew I liked our conductor. He inspired me. A lot.
This is the link to the song we performed of his. The band is quite good, "tasty" as he would say, but it just doesn't carry the same emotions I felt as I played this piece. Easy stuff, just a cute little grade 4, and perhaps even on hearing it, it could be deemed elementary. But the story behind it and the way he presented it and what he demanded of us made this an unforgettable experience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO-vdseS3jE

Give it up for Patrick Burns and his kind, inspiring, and often hilarious words.
God bless.

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.

Oreo cookies. Golden. That's what I'm going to do.

God bless the power of simplistic thinking. And just plain olds.

Blogs.
I think of tye dye and rainbows.

Life will be good. I believe it into existence.

Someone I used to know.

I have so been thinking a lot lately. It's really not good.
And I also wonder if this mood/phase, whatever you want to call it, I'm in right now is an annual thing. I know I did it last year. It wasn't a happy party, let me tell you. I don't know, I just wonder if I'm condemned to do this until the end of my days.

It's hard. It's hard losing someone you thought you had. I wonder if I even had. I hate that I'm not sure on this point, because it is apparently easy to build walls to block me out with. What happened? What kind of person are you? I thought I knew.
You were my savior, the only person for a while who would carry my burdens with me. I was amazed by how resilient you were and how much you gave and cared for others. You were a good person. You were the Good Samaritan, so it seems, but I guess they too have to travel on.

I thank you for what you have done and the person you have made me. You were too good to me and I knew it wouldn't last forever. But now it's time to think of the good memories we had and the many beautiful things that did indeed come out of this. It was incomplete at times and I certainly have regrets.

But now, I'm just trying to let go.

My inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

Rolling.

There has been much sadness,

the going is hard and the pain,

crippling.

We won't always know where we are going

nor have we been able to see our footsteps and paths,

all seems lost.

But it isn't.

Not yet.

The world is in Perpetuum Mobile,

going and going and going...

It's a river,

the bottom unknown and murky,

we have to take the risk

when we carefully place each foot down,

to sink into the mud.

But don't be afraid,

don't even be disgusted,

enjoy it.

Just let loose.

I emphasize,

what's the worst this mud can do?

It's just a bunch of minerals and teeny weeny rocks,

and wet.

It got a little dirty, sure,

but it means you no harm.

Don't you remember those days

when we went to the river,

the peaks,

the rocky shores that we slipped down and splashed at the end,

yeah, those days,

those carefree days

of spring and summer.

It was nice kicking off our shoes after church,

and just wading into the cool water to soak it in.

It was our life,

and now,

we don't have those rivers,

they've dried up long ago.

That's why we make our own.

No excuses,

none at all.

Make your river,

you can do it.

Just sit down, breathe, and begin.

I know life has been hard,

and life will always be hard,

it's such a shock because

we never knew this.

We were young,

we had fun, and now,

now reality sets in.

But embrace it,

because you just stepped into the river

and you wonder why you are wet.

Don't be silly.

There is so much to enjoy.

And all of it,

you can make and build and develop,

LOOK, look at the black screen in the back of your mind,

now concentrate,

and imagine the colors begin to appear,

slowly at first,

like a shy innocent,

but then when it takes off...

a dance.

Waltz.

Free.

Yours.

Look at the power we all hold,

we are powerful,

we are beings of strength,

and it's hard to realize this sometimes.

Most of the time.

But it's the little things,

the tiny sparks,

that set our world in motion.

Find your inspiration,

your aspirations,

your goals,

your dreams,

in music, literature, sketchings,

and beyond.

In a bottle cap,

in the dust on the highway,

a leaky faucet,

lined paper.

If you look hard enough, you will find.

It's there.

See it.

Don't ever forget the magic of a moment. 

And I almost forgot...

Here. Is the experiment of a few minutes. In which I make a poetic statement about showers.
I found it amusing. What do you think? :)

A Philosophy on Water and Stillness

Drip drip.

That's absolutely fine.

Nothing can be done about it,

and nobody really minds.

Turn the knob

and watch it fall,

down,

     down,

all the way down.

To the bottom,

where it just is no more.

And that's absolutely fine.

Nobody will miss it,

it's just a drop or two,

the journey is what's important,

and the residue.

Why must things be so lovely?

Not all,

this is perfectly true.

But sometimes,

when you're thinking,

you just need a moment

and a waterfall.

Unassuming and undemanding,

feel free to stay a while.

Get wrinkly, have froggy fingers,

bring your favorite rubber duck.

But once you're in, you're in,

it doesn't stop til the end.

I think it's time to think

and what a better place to do

than a quick little trip,

but be sure not to slip,

into your neighborhood's

favorite tub.

The worst things in life

are the best at their game

in that watery little cave,

of meditation and waves.

So do not fret

and do not fear,

when you are seized by a moment,

remember to always return

to your neighborhood friendly bathtub.

NOW that is all.

<3

I'm not going to pretend to not talk about Imogen here.

I've been so overwhelmed with Imogen today, it's not even funny.
She is amazing.
All there is to it.

And to make things even better now, she is coming out with a new album. But not exactly like "a new album," since she's already released four songs and releases them every 3 months aka as soon as she finishes them. It's going to take three years. But it's amazing. What she has done.
Because each song is a project and each changes the world in some small way.
No seriously, it's amazing.
I can't get over it.
First, her soundcloud.
Here: http://soundcloud.com/imogenheap
Which has the first four songs, plus some lovely little odds and ends.
I teared up listening to them.
They are beautiful.
Someone believe me.
I'm not just crazy and a die-hard fan.
I feel like a mental health patient or something.
But for instance,
"Minds Without Fear"
Incredible.
It's a play off a traditional Indian saying that like...occurred with the resistance of the 30s or so. And talks about how they would carry their heads high. A song of hope and spirit. And she teamed up with an amazingly soulful Bollywood kind of artist, Vishal-Shekhar, and they traveled all around the city collecting sounds that they created or heard.
Ah.
Everything
she does
is art.
God save the queen.
Episode from an interesting documentary series about this, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JvTwd4mTwQs
Lastly, her site itself, in the flesh. Enjoy. http://imogenheap.com/
One must really research her, not just listen to her music, in order to see how truly great she is and how much of a genius she is, but most people aren't really willing to give up their time like that. Ah well, they're there if you want.
I feel like such a dork.
I really do have better things to do with my time, I promise.
Like read Gulliver's Travels.
And not study for gov ;)

On another note, this weekend I've felt like I've truly had no friends, just because of how I didn't really see anybody and the way I try too hard and the way some people have pushed me away. Oh well.
For other reasons, this weekend was fantastic.
I might have gotten caught up on sleep! :)

Stay fresh and flowy!

British money is pretty. Pounds and pence and sense.

Wow. So long ago. I haven't talked to you in a while. Hi.

(Translating a story into Spanish right now. I totally thought I had to translate that top line. Haha.)

I've decided, that I really don't like being the main subject of someone's blog post :/ You know you're bad when...
Especially not if it's not happy.
God grant me the ability to create peace and happiness.

So.
I went to London. And came back almost a week ago from tomorrow. Wow. That's so crazy.

I feel somewhat obligated to write a post about it, but I haven't had any time or will.
Just like putting up pictures. Ut oh. haha.

That place is amazing. As I've been saying, I could definitely and seriously and easily live there. It's like, a country city. And so hipster and wonderful and romantic and exciting. Ahhh. So much love. It's just the unexpected atmosphere of the place. Something warming inside.
The food is quite...bland and flavorless, compared to American food. It's so natural. Some of it is better, some of it...not so much. I recommend Pret a Manger for sammichs and nice things and for rainy days and NOT Garfunkel's, unless you're in the mood for a chapstick flavored smoothie or an omelette that looks like a large, tan, kinda wrinkly burger. Ha...

And the people have so much class. I feel like even the hobos dress well.
And it doesn't have smog. Or dirt roads. Or toooooo many cobblestoned areas. Just to let you know ;)
And no horse and buggies. But I did see some cool mounted police.
The police wear those distinctively British police hats. For real.
And telephone booths really are red. Haha.

And British accents are easy to get used to. But not to understand all the time.

There's something fabulous about going to an extraordinarily fabulous place for a week to escape from life and school and stress and bad things. And going with good people. And structured reasons.
I marched in the real life London New Year's Day parade. For real. :)

So much to see, so much to do, so much to tell.
I mean. You know all the history stuff.
Big Ben isn't as tall in real life as you think.
St. Paul's isn't as scary to climb as they say. But still.
The London Eye is tall. It could compare to me ;)
Windsor Castle is magnificent. It feels like a real castle.
So does the Tower of London.
Westminster Abbey might have been my favorite place we went to. If I haveeeeeeeee to pick under life or death conditions. It was extraordinarily powerful.
Trafalgar Square might also be argued as my favorite. I like that tall, pointy monument :) To Lord Nelson, that lovely war hero or whatnot :)
Oh gosh. Yeah.
London is so...English.

God save the Queen. Forever and ever and ever.
Also, bring a portable trash receptor. There are no trash cans.
Anywhere.